Julian Siwek
Recent Blog Posts
Introduction
Caregiving is one of the most selfless and demanding roles a person can take on. Whether caring for an aging parent, a disabled partner, or a chronically ill child, caregivers often face overwhelming stress, exhaustion, and emotional burnout. State shifting—the ability to consciously shift one’s emotional and mental state—can be a powerful tool to help caregivers navigate these challenges with greater ease and resilience.
Understanding Caregiver Stress
Caregivers experience a unique set of stressors that can affect their well-being, including:
- Emotional Exhaustion – Constant concern for a loved one’s health can lead to chronic emotional fatigue.
- Physical Strain – Long hours and physical caregiving tasks can take a toll on the body.
- Mental Overload – Decision fatigue and the emotional weight of caregiving can lead to cognitive burnout.
- Guilt and Self-Doubt – Many caregivers struggle with feelings of inadequacy and guilt over not being able to do more.
- Loss of Personal Identity – The role of caregiving can become all-consuming, leading to a loss of self.
What is State Shifting?
State shifting is the practice of intentionally altering one’s emotional, mental, and energetic state. It involves recognizing one’s current emotional condition and using specific techniques to move into a more positive, calm, or empowered state. This is particularly valuable for caregivers who need to replenish their energy and emotional reserves.
Techniques for State Shifting in Caregiving
- Mindful Breathing – Deep, intentional breathing can quickly shift the nervous system from stress mode to relaxation mode.
- Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight.
- Self-Talk Reframing – Change negative inner dialogue to more supportive thoughts.
- Instead of "I can’t do this anymore," try "I am doing my best, and that is enough."
- Havening Techniques – A gentle, self-soothing method involving rhythmic touch to reduce stress and anxiety.
- Running your hands over your arms in a soothing manner can help reset emotional responses.
- Visualization and Mental Escapes – Create a mental sanctuary where you can retreat for a moment of peace.
- Imagine a peaceful beach or serene forest; engage all your senses in this imagery.
- Music and Movement – Engage in activities that bring joy and uplift your mood.
- Listening to calming music or engaging in light stretching or dance can create an immediate state shift.
- Gratitude Shifts – Redirect attention to small moments of gratitude to elevate mood.
- Keep a daily gratitude journal, focusing on even the smallest joys.
- Micro Self-Care Moments – Integrate quick, nourishing habits into your day.
- A two-minute hand massage, a warm cup of tea, or stepping outside for fresh air can make a difference.
The Impact of State Shifting on Caregivers
By integrating state shifting techniques, caregivers can experience:
- Reduced emotional overwhelm
- Improved patience and resilience
- Enhanced ability to cope with daily stress
- Greater emotional balance and well-being
- A renewed sense of self beyond the caregiving role
Conclusion
Caregiving is a noble yet demanding responsibility, and prioritizing self-care through state shifting is not selfish—it is essential. By learning to consciously shift emotional and mental states, caregivers can protect their well-being, sustain their energy, and show up more fully for their loved ones without depleting themselves. Embracing these small but effective practices can lead to profound emotional resilience, making the caregiving journey more sustainable and fulfilling.
We've all been there—caught in challenging interactions where we react in ways we later regret. Maybe it's with a difficult colleague, a family member who pushes your buttons, or even someone you deeply care about during times of stress.
In these moments, it often feels like our reactions are automatic and beyond our control. The words come out before we can stop them, or we withdraw when we wish we could stay present. Afterward, we might wonder, "Why did I react that way again? I promised myself I'd respond differently this time."
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, there's a better way forward than simply trying harder or beating yourself up when you fall into the same old patterns.
The Relationship State Trap
What makes challenging relationships so difficult is that they often trigger us into unresourceful states automatically. Just hearing a particular tone of voice or seeing a certain facial expression can instantly shift us into defensive, angry, fearful, or shutdown states—often before we're even consciously aware of what's happening.
I call this the "relationship state trap"—the automatic state shifts that occur in specific relationships based on past experiences, unmet needs, or trigger patterns.
The key insight is this: Your reactions in challenging relationships aren't primarily a communication problem or even a boundary problem—they're a state problem. When you're triggered into an unresourceful state, even the best communication techniques will fail you.
The good news? Once you understand this dynamic, you can use state shifting techniques to transform these interactions.
Breaking Free from Reactive Patterns
Let me share a framework I've developed for using state shifting in challenging relationships. This approach has helped countless clients transform their most difficult interactions, and I've used it extensively in my own life as a partner, caregiver, colleague, and friend.
Step 1: Map Your Relationship States
The first step is becoming aware of your automatic state shifts in specific relationships. For one challenging relationship in your life, consider:
* What state do you typically shift into during difficult interactions? (Examples: defensive, people-pleasing, shutdown, angry, overly analytical)
* What physical sensations accompany this state? (Tightness in chest, shallow breathing, flushed face, etc.)
* What triggers this state shift? (Specific words, tones, topics, or situations)
* What would be a more resourceful state for this relationship? (Calm confidence, compassionate boundaries, open curiosity, etc.)
Just creating this awareness can be transformative, as it helps you recognize when you're being pulled into unresourceful states.
Step 2: Create a Pre-Interaction State Shifting Practice
Rather than waiting until you're triggered, proactively shift your state before challenging interactions:
1. **Centering breath**: Take three deep breaths, lengthening your exhale
2. **Physical reset**: Adjust your posture to embody your resourceful state
3. **Mental focus**: Remind yourself of your intention for the interaction
4. **Energy adjustment**: Visualize a protective bubble of light around you that allows connection while maintaining your energetic boundaries
This practice takes just 60-90 seconds but dramatically changes how you enter the interaction. I recommend doing this before phone calls, meetings, or any situation with someone who typically triggers unresourceful states.
### Step 3: Develop In-the-Moment Shift Techniques
Even with preparation, you may still get triggered during interactions. Having quick techniques to shift your state in the moment is crucial:
* **The pause**: When triggered, pause and take one conscious breath before responding
* **Grounding touch**: Discretely press your feet into the floor or touch your thumb to your forefinger
* **Internal reminder**: Have a short phrase ready like "Shifting now" or "I choose my state"
* **Pattern interrupt**: Briefly change your physiology by taking a sip of water, adjusting your posture, or changing your visual focus
These micro-techniques can create just enough space for you to avoid automatic reactions and choose a more resourceful response.
### Step 4: Practice Post-Interaction Integration
After challenging interactions, take time to integrate what you've learned:
1. Notice which states were activated during the interaction
2. Acknowledge yourself for any moments you successfully shifted states
3. Identify triggers that were particularly challenging
4. Release any residual emotional charge through movement or breath
5. Refine your approach for next time
This integration step is crucial for developing your state shifting abilities over time. Without it, we often carry the energetic residue of challenging interactions and miss the opportunity to learn from them.
## A Real-Life Example: The Feedback Conversation
Let me share how this approach works in a common challenging scenario—receiving critical feedback from someone important to you.
**The Old Pattern:**
Mark would instantly tense up when his supervisor began giving feedback, shifting into a defensive state where he either justified his actions or mentally dismissed the feedback. He'd leave these conversations feeling misunderstood and resentful, while his supervisor felt Mark wasn't receptive to growth opportunities.
**The State Shifting Approach:**
We worked on identifying his feedback-specific state shift, which included physical tension, shallow breathing, and a narrowed perceptual focus. Before his next feedback session, Mark practiced a pre-interaction state shift, visualizing himself in a state of open curiosity and learning.
During the conversation, he used the grounding touch technique whenever he noticed himself tensing up. This created just enough space for him to stay present with the feedback rather than defending or dismissing.
After the interaction, he took time to integrate what he'd learned, noticing which parts of the feedback still triggered him and releasing the emotional charge through a brief walk.
**The Result:**
Over time, Mark completely transformed his experience of feedback conversations. Rather than dreading them, he began to value them as growth opportunities. His supervisor noticed the change, commenting that Mark seemed more engaged and receptive.
The key wasn't learning better communication techniques or forcing himself to accept all feedback—it was shifting out of his automatic defensive state into a state of open curiosity, which allowed him to engage with the feedback constructively.
## Compassionate Boundaries: A State Shifting Perspective
One of the most powerful applications of state shifting in relationships is in the area of boundaries. Many of us struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially with people we care about or authority figures.
Traditional boundary advice often focuses on what to say or do, but misses the critical state component. When you're in a people-pleasing, fearful, or resentful state, even the most perfectly worded boundary statement will likely be ineffective or come across as harsh.
The state shifting approach to boundaries involves:
1. **Identifying your boundary-setting state**: What state do you shift into when attempting to set boundaries? For many, it's either too passive (people-pleasing) or too aggressive (resentful, harsh).
2. **Cultivating a compassionate boundary state**: This state combines self-respect with care for the other person. It feels firm yet kind, clear yet connected.
3. **Practicing state shifts before boundary conversations**: Before setting an important boundary, take time to deliberately shift into your compassionate boundary state.
4. **Using in-the-moment techniques**: When you feel yourself slipping into people-pleasing or harshness during boundary conversations, use quick state shifting techniques to return to your compassionate boundary state.
This approach transforms boundary-setting from a dreaded confrontation to an act of care—for both yourself and the other person.
## Small Shifts, Big Results
What I love about the state shifting approach to challenging relationships is that small changes can create dramatic results. You don't need to overhaul your personality or completely transform the other person—you just need to shift out of your automatic reactive states into more resourceful ones.
Even shifting your state 10% more effectively can create a 50% improvement in your challenging relationships because it interrupts the usual patterns that keep interactions stuck in negative loops.
I've seen this approach work in:
* Parent-child relationships
* Romantic partnerships
* Caregiver situations
* Professional relationships
* Family dynamics
* Friendships in transition
In each case, when one person learns to shift their state more effectively, the entire relationship dynamic can transform—even if the other person doesn't change at all.
## Your Next Step: Choose One Relationship
I invite you to apply this approach to one challenging relationship in your life:
1. Identify your automatic state shifts in this relationship
2. Develop a brief pre-interaction practice
3. Choose one in-the-moment technique that resonates with you
4. Commit to a post-interaction integration practice
Remember, the goal isn't perfect interactions or never getting triggered. It's developing the ability to shift your state more quickly and effectively when you do get triggered, gradually expanding your range of responses.
With practice, you'll find yourself naturally maintaining more resourceful states in previously challenging relationships. The old triggers will still be there, but they'll have less power over your state—and therefore less impact on how you show up in your most important connections.
Isn't that freedom worth practicing for?
*Julian Siwek is the author of "State Shifting: A Practical Guide to Conscious Transformation." Drawing from over 30 years of experience in NLP, therapeutic work, 12-step recovery, and daily practice as a caregiver, Julian offers practical tools for accessing more resourceful states in everyday life.*
In these moments, it often feels like our reactions are automatic and beyond our control. The words come out before we can stop them, or we withdraw when we wish we could stay present. Afterward, we might wonder, "Why did I react that way again? I promised myself I'd respond differently this time."
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, there's a better way forward than simply trying harder or beating yourself up when you fall into the same old patterns.
The Relationship State Trap
What makes challenging relationships so difficult is that they often trigger us into unresourceful states automatically. Just hearing a particular tone of voice or seeing a certain facial expression can instantly shift us into defensive, angry, fearful, or shutdown states—often before we're even consciously aware of what's happening.
I call this the "relationship state trap"—the automatic state shifts that occur in specific relationships based on past experiences, unmet needs, or trigger patterns.
The key insight is this: Your reactions in challenging relationships aren't primarily a communication problem or even a boundary problem—they're a state problem. When you're triggered into an unresourceful state, even the best communication techniques will fail you.
The good news? Once you understand this dynamic, you can use state shifting techniques to transform these interactions.
Breaking Free from Reactive Patterns
Let me share a framework I've developed for using state shifting in challenging relationships. This approach has helped countless clients transform their most difficult interactions, and I've used it extensively in my own life as a partner, caregiver, colleague, and friend.
Step 1: Map Your Relationship States
The first step is becoming aware of your automatic state shifts in specific relationships. For one challenging relationship in your life, consider:
* What state do you typically shift into during difficult interactions? (Examples: defensive, people-pleasing, shutdown, angry, overly analytical)
* What physical sensations accompany this state? (Tightness in chest, shallow breathing, flushed face, etc.)
* What triggers this state shift? (Specific words, tones, topics, or situations)
* What would be a more resourceful state for this relationship? (Calm confidence, compassionate boundaries, open curiosity, etc.)
Just creating this awareness can be transformative, as it helps you recognize when you're being pulled into unresourceful states.
Step 2: Create a Pre-Interaction State Shifting Practice
Rather than waiting until you're triggered, proactively shift your state before challenging interactions:
1. **Centering breath**: Take three deep breaths, lengthening your exhale
2. **Physical reset**: Adjust your posture to embody your resourceful state
3. **Mental focus**: Remind yourself of your intention for the interaction
4. **Energy adjustment**: Visualize a protective bubble of light around you that allows connection while maintaining your energetic boundaries
This practice takes just 60-90 seconds but dramatically changes how you enter the interaction. I recommend doing this before phone calls, meetings, or any situation with someone who typically triggers unresourceful states.
### Step 3: Develop In-the-Moment Shift Techniques
Even with preparation, you may still get triggered during interactions. Having quick techniques to shift your state in the moment is crucial:
* **The pause**: When triggered, pause and take one conscious breath before responding
* **Grounding touch**: Discretely press your feet into the floor or touch your thumb to your forefinger
* **Internal reminder**: Have a short phrase ready like "Shifting now" or "I choose my state"
* **Pattern interrupt**: Briefly change your physiology by taking a sip of water, adjusting your posture, or changing your visual focus
These micro-techniques can create just enough space for you to avoid automatic reactions and choose a more resourceful response.
### Step 4: Practice Post-Interaction Integration
After challenging interactions, take time to integrate what you've learned:
1. Notice which states were activated during the interaction
2. Acknowledge yourself for any moments you successfully shifted states
3. Identify triggers that were particularly challenging
4. Release any residual emotional charge through movement or breath
5. Refine your approach for next time
This integration step is crucial for developing your state shifting abilities over time. Without it, we often carry the energetic residue of challenging interactions and miss the opportunity to learn from them.
## A Real-Life Example: The Feedback Conversation
Let me share how this approach works in a common challenging scenario—receiving critical feedback from someone important to you.
**The Old Pattern:**
Mark would instantly tense up when his supervisor began giving feedback, shifting into a defensive state where he either justified his actions or mentally dismissed the feedback. He'd leave these conversations feeling misunderstood and resentful, while his supervisor felt Mark wasn't receptive to growth opportunities.
**The State Shifting Approach:**
We worked on identifying his feedback-specific state shift, which included physical tension, shallow breathing, and a narrowed perceptual focus. Before his next feedback session, Mark practiced a pre-interaction state shift, visualizing himself in a state of open curiosity and learning.
During the conversation, he used the grounding touch technique whenever he noticed himself tensing up. This created just enough space for him to stay present with the feedback rather than defending or dismissing.
After the interaction, he took time to integrate what he'd learned, noticing which parts of the feedback still triggered him and releasing the emotional charge through a brief walk.
**The Result:**
Over time, Mark completely transformed his experience of feedback conversations. Rather than dreading them, he began to value them as growth opportunities. His supervisor noticed the change, commenting that Mark seemed more engaged and receptive.
The key wasn't learning better communication techniques or forcing himself to accept all feedback—it was shifting out of his automatic defensive state into a state of open curiosity, which allowed him to engage with the feedback constructively.
## Compassionate Boundaries: A State Shifting Perspective
One of the most powerful applications of state shifting in relationships is in the area of boundaries. Many of us struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially with people we care about or authority figures.
Traditional boundary advice often focuses on what to say or do, but misses the critical state component. When you're in a people-pleasing, fearful, or resentful state, even the most perfectly worded boundary statement will likely be ineffective or come across as harsh.
The state shifting approach to boundaries involves:
1. **Identifying your boundary-setting state**: What state do you shift into when attempting to set boundaries? For many, it's either too passive (people-pleasing) or too aggressive (resentful, harsh).
2. **Cultivating a compassionate boundary state**: This state combines self-respect with care for the other person. It feels firm yet kind, clear yet connected.
3. **Practicing state shifts before boundary conversations**: Before setting an important boundary, take time to deliberately shift into your compassionate boundary state.
4. **Using in-the-moment techniques**: When you feel yourself slipping into people-pleasing or harshness during boundary conversations, use quick state shifting techniques to return to your compassionate boundary state.
This approach transforms boundary-setting from a dreaded confrontation to an act of care—for both yourself and the other person.
## Small Shifts, Big Results
What I love about the state shifting approach to challenging relationships is that small changes can create dramatic results. You don't need to overhaul your personality or completely transform the other person—you just need to shift out of your automatic reactive states into more resourceful ones.
Even shifting your state 10% more effectively can create a 50% improvement in your challenging relationships because it interrupts the usual patterns that keep interactions stuck in negative loops.
I've seen this approach work in:
* Parent-child relationships
* Romantic partnerships
* Caregiver situations
* Professional relationships
* Family dynamics
* Friendships in transition
In each case, when one person learns to shift their state more effectively, the entire relationship dynamic can transform—even if the other person doesn't change at all.
## Your Next Step: Choose One Relationship
I invite you to apply this approach to one challenging relationship in your life:
1. Identify your automatic state shifts in this relationship
2. Develop a brief pre-interaction practice
3. Choose one in-the-moment technique that resonates with you
4. Commit to a post-interaction integration practice
Remember, the goal isn't perfect interactions or never getting triggered. It's developing the ability to shift your state more quickly and effectively when you do get triggered, gradually expanding your range of responses.
With practice, you'll find yourself naturally maintaining more resourceful states in previously challenging relationships. The old triggers will still be there, but they'll have less power over your state—and therefore less impact on how you show up in your most important connections.
Isn't that freedom worth practicing for?
*Julian Siwek is the author of "State Shifting: A Practical Guide to Conscious Transformation." Drawing from over 30 years of experience in NLP, therapeutic work, 12-step recovery, and daily practice as a caregiver, Julian offers practical tools for accessing more resourceful states in everyday life.*
What is State Shifting? A Guide to Rapid Emotional Change
Introduction
Have you ever felt stuck in a negative emotional state and wished you could change how you feel instantly? Whether it's stress, anxiety, frustration, or fatigue, we all experience emotional states that seem difficult to escape. The good news is that there’s a technique called State Shifting that allows you to transition from one emotional state to another—quickly and effectively.
In this guide, we’ll explore what state shifting is, why it works, and how you can use it to enhance your emotional well-being. This method is based on cognitive and physiological principles that help rewire your brain and body for a more positive and productive mindset.
What is State Shifting?
State shifting is the intentional act of changing your mental, emotional, or physical state to improve your mood, performance, or well-being. It involves using techniques such as breathwork, visualization, movement, and self-talk to rapidly transition from one emotional state to another.
For example:
- · Feeling anxious? You can shift to a calm state using deep breathing and grounding techniques.
- · Lacking motivation? You can boost your energy with movement and power poses.
- · Overthinking? You can regain clarity by using mindfulness and cognitive reframing.
State shifting isn’t about suppressing emotions—it’s about understanding them and guiding yourself toward a more desirable state when needed.
The Science Behind State Shifting
State shifting is grounded in neuroscience and psychology. Here’s how it works:
1. The Role of the Nervous System
Your nervous system has two primary modes:
- · Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight-or-Flight): Activates stress, anxiety, and heightened alertness.
- · Parasympathetic Nervous System (Rest-and-Digest): Promotes relaxation, calm, and recovery.
State shifting involves activating the desired nervous system response based on your situation. For example, deep breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress.
2. Neuroplasticity & Emotional Rewiring
Your brain adapts based on repeated experiences. When you practice state shifting, you strengthen new neural pathways that make it easier to shift into positive states over time.
3. Mind-Body Connection
Your physical state influences your mental state. Movement, posture, and facial expressions send signals to your brain that affect your emotions. Changing your physical state can instantly shift your mood.
Effective State Shifting Techniques
Now that we understand how state shifting works, let’s explore some powerful techniques you can use to shift your emotional state quickly.
1. Breathwork for Instant Calm
Breathing exercises are one of the fastest ways to shift from stress to relaxation.
- · Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Repeat.
- · 4-7-8 Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.
- · Diaphragmatic Breathing: Breathe deeply into your belly instead of shallow chest breathing to activate relaxation.
2. Visualization for Emotional Shifts
Your brain responds to mental imagery as if it’s real. Use visualization to create the emotional state you want.
- · Imagine a calming scene (e.g., a peaceful beach or forest).
- · Picture yourself succeeding in a stressful situation.
- · Replay a happy memory to generate positive emotions.
3. Movement & Posture for Energy and Confidence
- · Power Posing: Stand tall, expand your chest, and hold a confident posture for 2 minutes to boost confidence.
- · Physical Activity: A short walk, stretching, or dancing can instantly shift your energy and mood.
- · Cold Water Splash: Splash cold water on your face or take a cold shower to reset your nervous system.
4. Self-Talk & Affirmations
Your internal dialogue shapes your emotions. Replace negative self-talk with empowering affirmations:
- · Instead of: "I can’t do this." → Say: "I am capable and resilient."
- · Instead of: "I’m too stressed." → Say: "I have the tools to manage this calmly."
- · Instead of: "I always fail." → Say: "Every challenge is an opportunity to grow."
5. Sensory Techniques for Grounding
- · 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
- · Essential Oils: Lavender for relaxation, peppermint for focus, citrus for energy.
- · Listening to Music: Upbeat music can energize, while calming sounds reduce stress.
When to Use State Shifting
State shifting can be applied in various situations:
- · Before a big presentation or meeting → Use power posing and affirmations for confidence.
- · When feeling overwhelmed by stress → Use breathwork and grounding techniques.
- · During moments of procrastination or fatigue → Use movement and sensory stimulation to boost energy.
- · Before sleep to unwind → Use deep breathing and visualization to relax.
Building a Daily State Shifting Practice
To make state shifting a natural part of your life, try these daily habits:
- 1. Morning Routine: Start your day with breathwork, movement, or affirmations.
- 2. Midday Reset: If you feel sluggish, take a short walk or do a quick visualization.
- 3. Evening Wind-Down: Use relaxation techniques to prepare for restful sleep.
- 4. Mindful Check-Ins: Regularly assess your emotional state and shift as needed.
Conclusion
State shifting is a powerful, science-backed technique that empowers you to take control of your emotions and mental well-being. By using breathwork, movement, self-talk, and visualization, you can quickly transition from stress to calm, fatigue to energy, or self-doubt to confidence.
Start practicing these techniques today, and over time, you’ll develop the ability to shift your emotional state effortlessly, leading to greater resilience, happiness, and success in your daily life.
Now it’s your turn! What’s one emotional state you’d like to shift today? Try one of these techniques and see how quickly you can transform your mindset!
Thank you very much :)
